One Night at the Ritz, Part 3: Room Service

The night after a brunch can be difficult for those who have not planned accordingly. Some of the essentials needed for surviving the previous day’s indulgence of terrines, bruleés, and ganaches are as follows:

  • 2 Large bottles of purified water, preferably Evian
  • Nespresso machine – stocked with 6 pods of Distretto, Machiatto, and/or Duvetto varieties
  • 3+ Premium movie channels
  • 6+ Tria Surround Pillows
  • 1 King-sized down comforter
  • In-room dining menu (Essential*)

Upon waking up, preferably after 9 am, immediately begin brewing one large Distretto cappuccino. While brewing, take 4 large gulps from your purified water bottles and visit the bathroom… to ensure your robe is IMG_2347draped fashionably of course. After freshening up, find a suitable movie to distract, but not overpower. When channel is fixed appropriately, place cappuccino on saucer and place saucer on bedside table. Take a sip of cappuccino and then nonchalantly dial In-Room Dining.

At this point there will be an individual answering you with a pleasant greeting, asking for your order. It is imperative that you do not answer immediately or they will think you desperate. Take another casual sip of your Distretto, letting the rich notes dance over your nostrils before acknowledging the greeter. Once you have digested another sip of cappuccino, order the Full breakfast and Cinnamon French Toast. But make sure to stop immediately in the middle of saying ‘Cinnamon French Toast’ in order to laugh at a semi-comical moment in the movie you weren’t really paying attention to. Finish with a cold ‘Thank You’ and then hang up immediately.

When the food arrives, open the door just so and then quickly return to your bed to continue watching your movie. Do not acknowledge the man carting in your full breakfast, however, just before he is leaving tell him to hold on and then tip him without making eye contact, thus avoiding any overages of human contact. This is a given considering you have depleted your human interaction allowances the day before for brunch and have nothing left for trivial matters such as these.

IMG_2438Feast on your breakfast but don’t hesitate to call if the spread of preserves does not include the usual Rhubarb Marmalade and Quince jam. And if the warming oven, located just under the tabletop, is not heated to precisely 112 degrees there is not a manager in all the kingdom of 5-star hospitality that would not want to hear about that travesty. Your over easy eggs deserve to be hot and delightful, not room temperature and mediocre.

Finally, relinquish your half-drank cappuccino for a cup of steaming hot coffee, or tea depending on birth nation. This should go well with your viennoiserie – ahem, assortment of croissants. And your assortment pairs nicely with the salted meat and cheese platter. Which, if my memory serves right, should be located directly behind the syrup and cream ewers. In addition, don’t forget to take a few bites from your Cinnamon French Toast and then discard the rest because you “just couldn’t eat another bite.”

If you have consumed at the correct pace, your light breakfast should have lasted the better part of two hours, leaving you completely obligated to take a 2-3 hour nap thereafter. If you have followed these steps then you to have Room Serviced yourself correctly. I myself left the Ritz utterly satisfied and pleasantly plump. I floated through check-out on the infatuating lavender hibiscus notes permeating the lobby. Renault saw me to my driver, who took my bag handily, and asked, “How was everything, sir?”

“Delightful, my good man. Simply delightful.”

Ritz at NightI don’t always go to brunch, stay in a hotel, and then spend the entire next day lounging in bed between naps, movie watching, and room service, but when I do…

I stay at the Ritz.